Fear

I have always been a fearful person. I remember as a child lying awake until my daddy would get home from a late meeting at church, and until I heard the keys in the front door, I was petrified that he had been in a car crash.  I would go to sleepovers at friends’ houses and hardly get any sleep because I would be so worried about my family at home.  What if there was a fire, or a burglar?  How could I help them if I wasn’t there?

Unfortunately, this tendency of mine hasn’t gotten much better with age.  And for a long time I just excused it in my mind like this: “It’s just who I am…I can’t help it…It’s because I care so much…It’s how God made me…”  Until one day I heard a sermon that God used to open my eyes.  It was about the sins that Christians like to pretend aren’t sins…like anger, and worry.  Um, what?  Worry is a sin?  I kind of thought it was my spiritual gift!  

That day I understood for the first time that when I worried and feared, it was because I didn’t truly trust the Lord and His sovereignty over my life and the lives of those I loved.  I began a battle that day.  I made some serious changes.  I quit reading scary books.  I stopped watching crime shows and movies.  I got rid of anything in my life that led me down the path of fear.  I memorized scriptures that comforted me.  I filled my day with music that pointed me to Christ. And for a long time, I was in a season of victory.  I don’t mean I never worried about anything, but I was able to sort of keep it in check and give those thoughts and concerns over to the Lord.

Then, about 2 years ago, life started to get hard.  I mean, really hard.  Awful tragedies began popping up all around me, to people that I loved dearly.  I walked some very difficult roads with my loved ones and slowly, I started to feel the fear creep back in.  Somewhere in there, we moved and started over in a new town.  I began to worry about everything.  Will we find a home? A church? Friends? What about those we left behind?  Will they forget about us?  And on and on.

In my own strength, I have held it together…and that is a recipe for disaster.  Because eventually, we reach the end of our own ability, and boy did I!  Most of you know that on May 15th, Oran ended up in the hospital and had to get a pacemaker installed.  But you may not know how scary it was.  I watched him pass out twice before the paramedics arrived.  I watched his heart stop in the ER and the nurse begin compressions on him while they pushed me out of the room screaming.  I stayed awake for almost 36 hours straight, staring at his heart monitor until the pacemaker was put in and I could relax a little. And I can’t get those moments out of my head.

This experience brought ALL of my fear back, not just ones about Oran’s health.  And I have felt completely out of control.  I have been nearly paralyzed by fear in a way that I have never dealt with before.  I have even had a couple of panic attacks - shortness of breath, closing throat, the whole nine yards.  Let me be honest and say that I HATE this. I keep thinking that I should be stronger.  I keep thinking of all of those I know and love who are in so much worse situations and so I should stop being such a wimp.

You see, I’m usually the strong one.  I’m the one that all of my friends depend on for prayer and listening and advice.  I’m the one who holds everyone else together in the hard times.  And I’m happy to be that person.  I love being used by God to encourage and help others get through difficult times.  But, when the strong one is weak, it’s hard to be humble and say, “Hey! I need help!” It makes me feel as though I am letting everyone down, and most importantly that I am letting God down. It makes me feel like a whiner, and I try so hard to be a person who is full of joy not negativity.

So, writing this is hard for me.  I’d like to go on pretending that I’m fine, but I’m not.  I’m scared.  I know with my whole heart that God is good and that He is sovereign and that He has our family in His hands.  I know that He is trustworthy. He has proved it over and over again. And still, I struggle to keep the fear from overtaking me. I’ve considered keeping it to myself and not talking about it in order for people to continue to see me as strong, but God has convicted me of that pride.  Wouldn’t it be easier for all of us to just be honest?  I’m guessing lots of you have been through something similar and could offer scriptures and songs and words that would encourage me!  I’m tired of hiding my struggles when I could find freedom in being open. I know from past experience that when we share our burdens with each other, the joy is multiplied as God answers all of those prayers.  The introvert in me doesn’t want to post this, but I know God is asking me to be real.

I wish I had a happy ending for this post.  A sort of…”now everything is great and here is how I got to that point!”  But I don’t.  I’m still in the midst of it.  Here is the beauty of it though: I’m learning new things about God every day.  I’m experiencing His sustaining love every day.  My worship is more real and honest and genuine now.  I wouldn’t trade these lessons for anything and I am counting on the victory that will come some day.  I wish I knew when it was coming, but I don’t. Until then I continue to battle.  I will fight against anxiety, worry and fear and I will fight for peace, rest and trust in my beautiful Savior.  I know that nothing comes to me in this life that doesn’t first come through His loving hands.  And so I wait for this season of my life to conclude and look forward to the day I can look back and see how God delivered me from this struggle. I want so badly for my children to see God's goodness when they look at me and for them to know that they can trust Him!  This is a fight well worth the effort.

Are you struggling today?  I hope that my honesty encourages you to reach out.  Tell your family and your friends.  Let’s stop pretending we have it all together and let’s come together and bear each other’s burdens.  Life is SO much better when we do.  And, if you think of me in the night time, will you pray for me?  Night time is the hardest time. 

The pastors of our church encourage everyone to memorize scripture together over the summer and of course, the passage they chose is exactly the one I need to have in my heart right now.  Psalm 46.  May it fill your heart with peace and rest today. And may we join hands and look to Christ in every season.

Soli Deo Gloria, 

Jessica

God is our refuge and strength,

a very present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,

though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,

though its waters roar and foam,

though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,

the holy habitation of the Most High.

God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;

God will help her when morning dawns.

The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;

he utters his voice, the earth melts.

The Lord of hosts is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress.  Selah

Come, behold the works of the Lord,

how he has brought desolations on the earth.

He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;

he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;

he burns the chariots with fire.

“Be still, and know that I am God.

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth!”

The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah