Doing the Hard Thing

As most of you know, our family recently became a foster family.  While we have been licensed for a year and a half, we just received our first placement in October, a precious little baby girl. This experience has been completely different than I expected.  In some ways, it’s been easier than I was prepared for.  I assumed we would have young children in our home, and I prepared for their behavior issues and their trauma.  But, since the child that came to us is just a baby, there is none of that.  The transition to having her in our home has been relatively simple and most of the “issues” with that have been just adjusting to having 4 kids and to having a baby again.  

However, in many ways, this has turned out to be MUCH harder than I prepared for.  I had no idea how emotional it would be.  I had no idea how much parental visits and court dates and doctor appointments would affect our daily schedule and comfort.  I had no idea how much drama there would be in her birth family or how hard it would be for her fate to be completely out of my hands.  Friends, this is tough.  

I never in a million years expected to be a foster parent.  In fact, Oran and I have always felt called to adoption, not fostering.  But for some reason (that I don’t fully understand) God led us to adoption through the road of fostering.  Each road to adoption is complicated.  In order for adoption to even be a possibility or a necessity, there must first be brokenness.  But fostering to adopt has a unique set of challenges because the truth is we don’t know if we will ever adopt this little girl.  It isn’t even up to us. It’s completely out of our hands.  So all we can do is love her and take care of her and if in the end there is no one else left, we will be her family. And if she does go back to her family, we will have to start all over again with another child.

I have been doing a lot of thinking and questioning lately.  I’ve done a lot of talking to God, and I am so thankful He can handle that.  I have told Him that this is too hard, that I’m not strong enough to do what He is asking.  I’ve begged Him to heal this little girl’s mother so their family can be whole and in the same sentence, I have begged him to let her stay with us.  Ultimately I just continue to say, “not my will, but Yours” over and over because I truly do trust in God’s sovereignty in every situation.

And in all of my prayers, God has continually placed this thought in my head and you may need to hear it too. “Just because it is hard doesn’t mean it isn’t good.”  Let that settle in.  I think we often think that hard equals bad.  When it hurts, we get out of it.  Just look at the culture we live in: Marriage is too tough? Get a divorce. Don’t want to have a baby? Get an abortion.  Church not meeting your needs? Find another one. Anything that is a struggle, anything that brings us pain, our first instinct is to run.  And, I’m not judging here.  My instinct is the same.  I’ve been thinking it too.

But then God whispers truth to my heart.  He says:

“I am with you always…”

“You can do all things through me…”

“Nothing can separate you from my love..”

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness…”

“Come to me, and I will give you rest…”

“Be strong and courageous…”

“Rejoice in me ALWAYS…”

You see, sometimes the very thing God wants us to do IS the hard thing.  It’s the thing we simply can’t do on our own apart from him. And because of that, He gets the glory.  Any good that is coming from our efforts isn’t because of us. It’s because of Christ IN us.  We aren’t better than anyone else or more holy.  He is the one giving us the daily grace to endure. 

We have a long road ahead of us.  This sweet baby girl could go home in 2 months, or 2 years, or never.  We could have to send her away to what we KNOW is a bad situation and we will have no control over that.  The only way we will have the strength to do it is because we also know that the one who truly decides her fate isn’t a judge, it’s God.  And He loves her even more than we do.  We are placing her in His hands…and there isn’t a better place for her to be.

Can I ask you a question?  What is your hard thing?  What is the thing God may be asking of you but your fear of hardship is keeping you from stepping out in faith?  It might be fostering (the Lord knows more loving families are always needed!) but it might also be reaching out to a neighbor who intimidates you or moving across the country and out of your comfort zone, or letting go and forgiving that person who has hurt you.  I have no idea what your hard thing is.  But I can tell you this for sure: obedience is always better than disobedience in the end.  

Hard doesn’t equal bad.  Sometimes hard equals best.

Soli Deo Gloria,

Jessica

What Love Looks Like

I recently saw a meme posted on Facebook that I can’t get out of my head.  It said, “I won’t have known true love until someone runs through an airport to stop me from getting on a flight.”  I keep thinking about that because it is just so completely untrue.  And it is part of a larger culture we have created about romance that I believe is wrecking marriages and setting up our kids (especially our daughters) for great disappointment and confusion.  Here is what I mean: if a little girl grows up thinking of romance and love being only grand gestures and passionate moments and that is all she knows of love, she will most likely feel let down one day when she begins to experience real life.  And it’s a shame because real, true love is such a beautiful thing and it has nothing to do with running through airports, even though that’s what we see on TV. 

It has gotten me thinking about what I teach my children about love.  I want to point out to them that they see evidence of real, godly love every day, all around them.  The Bible teaches us what love is.  It is patient and kind. It isn’t full of envy or pride.  It is self-sacrificing and forgiving. And true love doesn’t give up and walk away, but NEVER FAILS. Those aren’t easy descriptions to live out.  It takes a lifetime of learning and growing and we still won’t do it perfectly.  I have been blessed with many examples in my life of this kind of love.  I hope these thoughts will help you to recognize true love in your own life.

True love is…

getting up with the crying baby at 2 in the morning so your spouse can have a break.

taking out the trash without being asked

sharing dreams for the future

holding hands 

making his favorite supper just to make him smile

shoveling the snow

taking care of each other when you are sick

praying together over your children

smiling when you see your love walk through the door

kisses before sleep

feeling safe when you are together

knowing each other's likes and dislikes

sacrificing your own wants and putting their’s first

sticking with each other through the hard times

catching each other’s eyes across a crowded room and feeling home

working hard day after day to support the family financially

inside jokes

working hard to keep the home to provide a safe, clean and comfortable refuge

encouraging each other’s gifts and talents

open and honest conversations

lovingly pointing out each other's sins

humbly admitting your own sins and being willing to do the hard work of healing and restoration

forgiving one another over and over again

clinging tight to each other and weeping together as you grieve

being willing to submit to boundaries and accountability in order to protect your marriage

laughing together

pointing each other to Christ

I know that each of you could probably add so many other things, and so could I.  Let’s purpose to honor and celebrate what real love looks like.  It isn’t always flashy or grand.  It’s more often quiet and faithful.  I want to be an example of that kind of love to the watching world in the way that I love my husband and my children.  Because when others see that kind of love in us, they will see Jesus.

On a personal note, I want to say to my husband, Oran: Thank you for being such a wonderful example of godly love to our children.  I'd follow you anywhere.  :) And I love you more than I could ever say.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is LOVE.”

Soli Deo Gloria, 

Jessica

My Anchor

I haven’t written a blog in several months.  And it isn’t because I haven’t had things to say.  It’s been because so much has been going on in my life and in the lives of those I love that I have been overwhelmed.  So many thoughts, so much confusion, so much pain, so much change.  Honestly, it has been hard to sort through it all and make sense of what’s going on.  

Over the past few months, I have been feeling what I can only describe as the earth moving beneath my feet.  Some people I love dearly have been going through the darkest of circumstances.  And as I have held their hands, wept with them, prayed fervently for them and just in general tried to walk through the darkness with them, I have felt shaken.  How could things so tragic and difficult happen so close to me?  How would I handle it if they came closer to me, right into my family?  Would I be able to honor God they way I was seeing my friends do?  

And then, right in the middle of those questions and confusion, God asked something hard of our family.  He asked us to move.  To leave our family, our friends, our church, our home, our COMFORT, and step out in faith to a new place.  Again, I felt like the ground beneath me was shifting and I had trouble standing and catching my breath.  The next few weeks were a whirlwind of telling people, tears, packing, praying and more tears.  I feel like I am only now coming up for air.

So here I sit, in my new home, in my new town and I am reflecting on all that has happened in the last few months.  I’ll admit, I’m still processing.  It almost seems like a dream, like I might wake up tomorrow and be back where I was before it all began.  But the truth is, I don’t want to wake up.  Because as hard as it has all been, there has also been evidence of God, in such a strong way, and I wouldn’t want to trade that away for anything, even the comfort I was living in before.  I know Him deeper now, I have experienced His faithfulness in a new way.  The amazing thing is that when things are going well, you can easily say you trust that God is enough.  But when things are hard, and tragedy strikes, you get to experience that He actually IS enough!  

There is a picture that God has repeatedly put in my head.  It’s a picture of a ship, being tossed about by wind and waves, but held in place by an anchor.  I have been thinking of that anchor a lot.  It has felt like I’ve been in that storm.  My ship has been rocking and rolling, and it has made me feel unsteady and scared.  But through all of that, the anchor has stayed secure.  Christ is that anchor.  The book of Hebrews describes our faith as “an anchor for the soul” and that is exactly what I have experienced.  Even though everything around me has seemed shaky, God is strong and faithful and never changing. I can trust my life to Him completely. 

Honestly, I feel nervous about what lies ahead.  I’m nervous about finding a new church home.  I am uncomfortable meeting new people so the thought of making new friends is daunting to me. Starting over is hard, but God is good.  With Christ leading the way, and my husband and kids by my side, I know we will be ok.  Even when the ship rocks, He will hold us firmly where we are supposed to be.  I’m praying that one day I can share in more detail all of the things God has been teaching me lately, but it’s still too raw, too fresh. I’m just not ready.  But please hear this:  you can trust God with everything.  Even death, even doubt, even addiction, even fear. 

This song (My Anchor by Christy Nockels) is my anthem right now.  My kids know every word and sing along because I play it all the time.  Take comfort in this truth, no matter what is going on in your life.

Here within the struggle

And every crashing wave

You are more than able

And your hand is strong to save

My anchor, forever

My shelter in the storm

You’re my deliverer, You never falter

You’re the rock I stand on. 

Undeserved Gifts

This past Christmas something different happened to me that I don’t remember ever happening before.  Usually, I get a few little gifts from family and I am always so thankful! But, at the age of 35, I hardly ever get big surprise gifts.  I’m just past that stage of life.  This year, however, I got not one but two!  

My husband and my mom each gave me thoughtful, wonderful, expensive gifts that I had wanted for a long time and never would have bought for myself.  Both of them remembered comments I had made way in the past and planned for months what to get me.  I was shocked and completely touched when I opened each gift.  It also reminded me how underserving I am. I am not the best daughter in the world and I certainly fail constantly at being a wife and mother. Yet, somehow, these precious people in my life love me anyway and showered me with completely unwarranted blessings.

It got me thinking about God.  Isn’t that just like Him?  I fail everyday.  I go back to the same sins over and over.  I doubt. I wallow.  BUT. GOD. 

He has given me so much.  Most importantly, He has saved me and given me new life.  If nothing else good ever happened to me, that would be enough.  And beyond that, He continually blesses me with good gifts that too often I take for granted.  I’ll be honest, I’m in a time of frustration in my life as certain prayers aren’t being answered.  I am struggling with God. I am asking Him “Why” so much I’m starting to annoy myself.  I needed this simple reminder at Christmas.  The reminder that no matter what is confusing right now, there is so much to be grateful for.  Everything I have is a gift from God, and I didn’t earn any of it.  

Psalm 144:15 says “Happy are the people to whom such blessings fall! Blessed are the people whose God is the Lord!”  I know this to be true in my life.  Even thought I don’t always “feel” that way, I am choosing today to cling to the promise.  Will you join me?  Let’s purpose to see God’s good gifts each day.  Even the things that are hard. The waiting, the questions and the confusion are blessings in the long run.  They teach us to depend on God alone for our strength and peace and not on circumstances.  They make us stronger in Christ.  I wouldn’t trade what I am learning in this time for anything.  One day I will look back and see His guiding hand through this time of waiting. I don’t want to miss the beautiful life I have right now just because I am looking ahead to what I don’t have yet.  

So here are a few “gifts” I have been reminded of in the last few weeks as I have been pondering these truths.  May they encourage you to look around and see God’s hand in your life too. And may they spur me on to consider what gifts I can give Him in return.

*baking homemade bread with my daughter

*a hardworking husband who always puts family time first

*loving family and friends who showered my little girl with love for her birthday

*a warm and cozy home

*actual conversations with my little boy as he is learning to talk

*time spent with family grieving and celebrating my Grams

*hearing little voices say "mommy"

*indoor playgrounds

*the joy that comes when I sit down at the piano 

*a mom and dad that are nearby and involved in my family

*hearing my oldest reading

*dear friends who love and encourage me daily

*peace that can only come from Jesus

Soli Deo Gloria, 

Jessica