Thoughts on Being an Introvert

I have a confession to make, and it just might surprise you. Ready?  Here it is.

I am an introvert.

Oh, wait, you mean that didn’t surprise you?  Well, if you know me at all, it didn’t. But believe it or not, I can’t even begin to count the number of people who have assumed I am extroverted.  This is most likely because of two things. First, I am always on stage performing or leading in worship and so people tend to expect that I am going to be outgoing.  And secondly, I have been involved in church my whole life and have learned to sort of “fake it.”

Now, before I get ahead of myself, please let me explain something I am recently beginning to understand. The American church and the way it functions, is really an extrovert’s world. In my experience, most things in a church are designed for people who are outgoing. Let me give you two examples. First of all, the “welcome time” during a service.  This is a time when everyone walks around talking to each other, giving hugs, shaking hands, etc.  As an introvert, this is like the WORST possible thing for me.  I feel awkward and uncomfortable.  I am not good at meeting new people and I never know what to say.  In fact, to be honest, one of my favorite things about being involved in the choir is that I am on stage during that time and only have to shake hands with the people right around me, all of which I know!  :)  I'm sure that admission made you cringe.

My second example of the “extroverted church” is the way we tend to encourage Evangelism.  The expectation of most evangelism programs is that Christians should just be able to walk up to strangers and tell them about Jesus.  I have heard many people insinuate that if you can’t do that, you should question if your faith is real. I mean, if you really love people, you would want to tell them about Jesus, right? Well, I must admit I have struggled in this area for my WHOLE life.  I just am simply not made with that kind of personality.  I CAN’T do it.

So, here I am, 34 years old, and I have spent the majority of my life, in church, feeling like I am just not normal.  I have had several people say something to me like, “Wow, I used to think you were such a snob because you didn’t talk to me” or “I always assumed you didn’t like me.”  It has been so difficult for me to feel like I have to explain my personality or to feel constantly misunderstood.  About two years ago, I came across an amazing book called Introverts in the Church: Finding our Place in an Extroverted Culture by Adam McHugh.  I would HIGHLY recommend it for introverts and also for extroverted leaders in the church who may need their eyes opened a little bit.  Reading this book, and spending a lot of time praying and seeking the Lord in this area, has given me a few insights I’d like to share.  I hope that it may encourage you introverts out there to know that you aren’t alone.  And I also hope it helps those of you who aren’t like me, to understand some people in your life a little bit better.

And one disclaimer:  I realize that not all introverts are the same.  That is the beauty of God’s creative power!  Each individual is unique.  But, these are just some general things I have learned about myself and others that I would like to share.

Introverts were made by God on purpose!  Seems obvious, but I think we act sometimes like we forget this fact.  It has been such an encouragement to me to finally come to realize that my personality is not a mistake.  Just because the culture I live in expects me to be different, doesn't mean I am supposed to act like something I am not.  I believe with all my heart that God intended some to be outgoing and some to be more introspective and quiet.  And guess what?  Both are ok!  And both are equally valuable. 

Introverts love people too!  Being an introvert doesn’t mean I don’t like people.  In fact, most introverts love very passionately!  For me, I am just more comfortable in smaller settings.  I do better in small groups or with one or two people.  Many introverts are compassionate, loving, kind and thoughtful.  Just because we aren’t able to be outgoing with large groups of people doesn’t mean we aren’t friendly.  We just develop relationships differently.  And that’s ok.

Introverts have strengths that the church needs. Since God made all personality types on purpose, it is logical to assume that the body of Christ needs all different types of people.  In fact, I believe that the church desperately needs the strengths that introverts have.  Introverts tend to be loyal and thoughtful.  Many of them also are very good at observing situations and providing insight.  We tend to be studiers and thinkers. It is so important that we don’t assume that godly leaders must be outgoing and extroverted.  It is vital to the church body that we each find our strengths and gifts and use them for God’s glory.

Introverts like to talk too!  This is a big one!  Many people assume that if you are quiet in public, you are quiet all the time.  WRONG!  My family would tell you that when I am in a setting that is familiar, with people I know well, I often can’t shut up.  I just am not able to be my regular self in a place where I am uncomfortable. I am more private about my life and my inner thoughts except with people I am close to.  But if I know you well and trust you completely, get ready for too much information!

Growing up in the church, and more specifically as the daughter of a minister, I learned very early how to pretend to be outgoing.  Every time I let that facade fall, I would be accused of snobbery or being stuck up.  It is a struggle, but it is an area that I am beginning to see some victory.  I am not there yet, but I think I am growing.

A few final encouragements:

Extroverts: try to have a little patience and understanding.  If you don’t know someone very well, don’t assume you know their motivations or intentions.  Do you think someone was rude to you?  Maybe they are just uncomfortable in certain settings, or their words came out wrong.  Please try not to judge when you don’t really know them.  It would help a whole lot of us who are struggling in an extroverted world!  Please also try hard not to put expectations on people that are merely cultural. Work toward helping introverts use the strengths God has given them.  They may help you fill in the gaps where you are weak!

Introverts: We could stand to try a little harder.  Even though my personality would almost always rather be at home, that isn’t what it means to be part of the body of Christ.  I must make myself be a part of our church even when it isn’t easy.  And, speaking from experience, there is always a blessing when I do.  Although it is hard to make the first step and meet someone new or try to reach out to a new person, it is always worth the effort.  I am so thankful for the times I have overcome my personality and made that step.  Let’s work on showing love and friendliness even when it isn’t natural or easy.

Most importantly, let’s look at the example of Christ.  He spent time with crowds of people when it was necessary, but he also spent time in smaller groups and poured into those lives in a deeper way.  And yes, he even withdrew from everyone from time to time to be alone.  All of those are valid and needed in our lives.  Let’s work to love each other like Christ did, sacrificially.

Thanks for reading!  

Soli Deo Gloria,

Jessica